My Paisley Chair

I don’t remember it happening often, but sometimes when I did not understand an instruction and asked the question “Why?”, my parents did not hesitate to tell me, “Because I said so.” No raised voice or exclamation point, no reason or explanation necessary, and no threat attached. I did not find this bothersome. I grew up with that being a valid reason for compliance without negotiation or compromise.

However, “Because I said so.” solicits a different response entirely when punctuated with tone, volume, aggression, tension, conflict and/or authority entitlement. Though I am usually compliant by nature, I tend to bristle when confronted with a demand. Especially when it comes from someone without authority or position.

Command vs. Demand

There’s a subtle, but important, difference between a command and a demand. According to general definitions, a command typically implies recognition of the authority of the one requesting compliance. Most often commands are neutral in tone, the focus is clear, and often include direct instructions.

On the other hand, a demand carries a sense of urgency and insistence, even entitlement to immediate compliance. Often demands come from those without recognized authority, but expect immediate compliance nonetheless.

Understanding the difference brings clarity for the reason I bristle.

Understanding Through a Filter

Different backgrounds create different filters for interpreting commands. Two people can hear the exact same words and come away with an entirely different message. Even slight differences in tone or approach can drastically affect how a message is received.

My filter was established in a household where voices were not raised. I was secure in my parent’s love. (A time or two I was accused of being “the favorite”.) Respect and honor of authority, consideration of others, and kind communication were the norm rather than the exception. This filter still affects the way I “hear” words that are spoken.

However, someone whose filter has been shaped by exposure to demands, with all the peripheral complications, can have difficulty processing the difference in a command or a demand. Over time, a person manipulated by harsh demands will not recognize and respond properly to a gentle command, even from someone with authority.

For another time …

When the response you get doesn’t fit what you think you said, it is time to ask the question “Honey, what did you hear me say?” This happens at my house and we use practice to defuse misunderstandings! Jus’ Sayin!

Side Note:

The differences in understanding and interpretation are painfully obvious when reading something (i.e. phone texts!), without the benefit of tone, volume, pause, rhythm etc. “Most experts agree that 70-93% of communication is nonverbal”, again thanks to Ms. Google. In the arena of command verses demand if tone, facial expression, and other non-verbal communication are missing the subtle difference is easily lost. I’m in the demographic that prefers face to face (NOT FaceTime) and phone calls (NOT texts).  And… we’ll leave that right there.

Anchored in love

Knowing someone’s heart and recognizing the value of relationship makes all the difference! A command from someone who loves me… that’s easy, not bothersome, grievous, or too heavy at all. A demand from someone I don’t know … not so much! It’s probably just me. Or is it really?

When I read in scripture (John 14:15) Jesus’ statement, “If you love me, keep my commandments.”, my heart says OK – check & done. I hear this gently, no threat, raised voice or exclamation point. Just a statement of how things are, very matter of fact, much like “Because I said so.”

Being secure in the relationship with the One commanding, makes the why not matter so much. It’s a matter of trust that the command comes from the place authority, love, and having my best interest at heart. Put another way the “Why?” does not matter when you know “Who” said so.

What does the Bible say?

Deuteronomy 30:11-14 (ASV) – For this commandment which I command thee this day, it is not too hard for thee, neither is it far off.”

1 John 5:3 Do we love God? Do we keep his commands? The proof that we love God comes when we keep His commandments, and they are not at all troublesome (burdensome, grievous).

The way I “hear” this is: Commands are not too wonderful to comprehend or perform (not hidden or far off), but easy to understand because they are clearly revealed. They are not beyond my ability to comply, easy to remember and put into practice. The Lord’s commands are not too hard for me! Not too heavy, severe or stern, violent or cruel, neither do they cause me grief.

The litmus test of love is obedience.

Keeping the commands of God really isn’t as hard as we make it! Do I trust my Sovereign and recognize His authority? Do I believe His word? If the “why” is necessary for compliance, will He tell me?

Just a thought …

• Commandments in scripture come from a heart of pure love.
• Every command is designed with my very best in mind.
• All commandments are for my good, protection, and peace, even if I don’t understand them at the time.
• They establish relationship with the One who loves me most.
• It’s much easier to comply (obey) a command than to clean up the mess of disobedience.

Until next time…