My Paisley Chair

There was always an open invitation to Mom’s house. Hospitality was as natural as breathing for her. Lunda May O’Toole was best known for her Sunday lunches with a table full of first-time visitors to our church and our pastor.

Living far away for many years, I longed for those times around her table and can’t imagine offering an excuse. Whether it was Sunday lunch or Mocha and Reese’s in the afternoon, I can hear her voice ringing in my ears “I’m ready to see you!”

When invited to participate in a task the other day I found myself in an awkward space. A space that is all too familiar and ever so uncomfortable. It required me to reevaluate, adjust, and change course – or not – and accept the consequence.

The space I’m referring to is that unsteady ground between reason and excuse. I was asked to do something I didn’t want to do, and I am embarrassed that my very first thought was an excuse. Not wanting to present a flimsy excuse and without a reason, I participated as requested. After wrestling down an attitude, taking some thoughts captive, and renewing my resolve to do the right thing, I actually enjoyed the task! Super glad I pressed on!

It amazes me how in a nanosecond a litany of excuses can present themselves. And yet, it seems like time stands still when needing a reason. I hope you never face this difficulty, but I feel certain I am not alone. At times, it appears appropriate to offer an excuse rather than reveal the reason.

Unwilling to offend the sensitivities of our society, the temptation to fudge on a truth to avoid hurt feelings or political incorrectness, is becoming quite acceptable. Add to that, the fact that our culture has become so accustomed to “spin” that it is hardly recognizable when an excuse, deflection or half-truth is substituted. The only problem with all this is that even a “white lie” is less than the truth. (See how I softened that to sound less offensive?)

It might be said that one person’s excuse may be another’s valid reason. Or on occasion, my reason may be an excuse for someone else. Oh, how I wish we could be like Horton in Dr. Seuss’ book and state without reservation “I meant what I said, and I said what I meant” and be faithful to our words 100%. Back in the day everyone knew that “I can’t because I need to wash my hair” was universal code for “I don’t want to.” Today the code is much more sophisticated.

To be clear … there are times when a reason will offend, and that’s OK. However, an honest, heartfelt “I don’t want to” to an outing invitation instead of “I need to wash my hair” is acceptable among friends. It is always appropriate to be kind and to weigh our words with compassion.

Since I was curious if anyone else struggled with this, I asked Ms. Google her opinion and she readily offered the following:

Ms. Google says:

1. A ‘Reason’ is considered a fair and logical justification for not participating in something. Reasons allow us to reflect, reassess, and adjust our actions or goals.
2. An ‘Excuse’ is a pretense or subterfuge that can logically be overcome. Excuses generally cast blame on someone or something else. Excuses quiet a guilty mind and save face and exist to make us feel better about not following through with commitments.
3. Reasons carry weight, excuses are flimsy.
4. “Fear is an excuse, not a reason!”

Check and check! Ms. Google concurs with what I was taught as a child, “Excuses are what you give when you don’t have a reason”. I always added (under my breath) or you don’t want to tell the whole truth. Ms. Google doesn’t have the last word though and is not the only resource for research.

Scripture, the ultimate authority, has something to say about the difference in reasons and excuses. While we are totally convinced that scripture is absolutely correct when it states, “the truth will set you free” (John 8:33), we often are persuaded that someone “can’t handle the truth!” (Jack Nicholson) so we allow spin, excuses, and yea-buts, to enter our vocabulary.

Looking at scripture I found illustrations of reasons and excuses. And how Jesus feels and responds to excuses. It makes me want to eliminate excuses from my repertoire altogether!

Reasons:

Let me explain how this captured my attention. Deut 20:3-9 I was amazed at the list of reasons stated for men not going to war, even though they were outnumbered by their enemies. For these REASONS, men were allowed to refrain from battle.

1. If they had built a house and not yet dedicated it,
2. If they planted a vineyard and have not enjoyed its grapes,
3. If they are engaged and not yet married, and
4. If they are wavering in resolve or afraid.

I can’t help but ask some questions at this point. How long does it take for a new vineyard to put on fruit? I’m still waiting on my blackberries to produce! And did they have long engagements? These are reasons, not excuses.

Fast forward to the New Testament. (Luke 14:18-20, 9:59-60) The guest’s excuses for not accepting the invitation to the Great Supper are very similar to the reasons for being excused from going to battle. Some of the excuses offered sounded so close to the Old Testament reasons, they might have been substituted without notice.

Excuses:

The EXCUSES offered were:

1. I just bought a field and need to see it.
2. I bought some cattle and need to go prove them.
3. I just got married and need to go home to my wife.
4. I need to go bury my father.
5. I need to say farewell to my household.

Again, some questions come to my mind. Didn’t you look at the property and cows before you purchased them? Who actually prefers a dinner cooked by a newlywed over a banquet feast? Are you using family to disobey?  (I can’t find a way to soften this last question.)  

It is noteworthy that the response of Jesus and the Master of the house make it clear they understood the explanation offered was an excuse. The Master of the household was furious and opened his invitation to any and everyone. Those who received the initial invitation were no longer welcome.

Excuses were offered to Christ’s directive to “Follow Me”, which clearly carried more weight than a dinner invitation. Jesus went so far as to say anyone who looks back is “NOT fit for the kingdom of God”. There is no doubt how Jesus feels about excuses! Excuses were not tolerated well by our Master regardless of cultural pressures or spin.

While we can craft a great excuse, when we don’t have a reason, and hope people can’t see through them, there is one that can always tell the difference. Actually, there are two! Our Master knows the difference and so do I.

So, it boils down to this application and questions I need ask myself.

Questions I ask myself:

1. Are there times that I have offered an excuse when the truth would have been better, maybe even easier? Was there fear of possible loss of relationship I was trying to avoid?
2. How did I feel or was I offended, when someone offered an excuse that I could plainly see through? Did I offer enough gracce to allow understanding and empathy to move forward?
3. Don’t authentic relationships allow room for that awkward space while explaining the reason for a misunderstanding? Can we work toward that?
4. Can I be honest and vulnerable enough to take a risk and offer the reason? With or without an explanation?
5. Is there something Jesus is inviting me to that I am offering Him an excuse?

We have been invited to an amazing relationship with God. The kind of relationship we all long for here on earth, but even better. God invites us to bring our faults, failures, cares, gifts, and graces to Him. His promises and provisions beyond description are a part of the package. His love and the grace He offers to lavish on us is beyond measure.

God has extended the invitation to us to “Come, let us reason together” Isaiah 1:18 and He is aware we have fears that prompt us to offer excuses. Sincere and honest questions are invited. Open conversations to deal with doubt are invited. God values honesty and accepts our vulnerability which deepens our relationship.

What am I waiting for? There’s an open invitation and the table is set! AND the Master has said “I’m ready to see you!”

Will I RSVP? YES, and what can I bring!

Scriptures Referenced:

Deut 20: 3-9 Hear, O Israel: Today you are on the verge of battle with your enemies. Do not let your heart faint, do not be afraid, and do not tremble or be terrified because of them; for the LORD your God is He who goes with you, to fight for you against your enemies, to save you.’
“Then the officers shall speak to the people, saying: ‘What man is there who has built a new house and has not dedicated it? Let him go and return to his house, lest he die in the battle and another man dedicate it. Also, what man is there who has planted a vineyard and has not eaten of it? Let him go and return to his house, lest he die in the battle and another man eat of it. And what man is there who is betrothed to a woman and has not married her? Let him go and return to his house, lest he die in the battle and another man marry her.’
“The officers shall speak further to the people, and say, What man is there who is fearful and fainthearted? Let him go and return to his house, lest the heart of his brethren faint like his heart.

Luke 14:16-21 – Then He said to him, “A certain man gave a great supper and invited many, and sent his servant at supper time to say to those who were invited, ‘Come, for all things are now ready.’ But they all with one accord began to make excuses. The first said to him, ‘I have bought a piece of ground, and I must go and see it. I ask you to have me excused.’ And another said, ‘I have bought five yoke of oxen, and I am going to test them. I ask you to have me excused.’ Still another said, ‘I have married a wife, and therefore I cannot come.’ So that servant came and reported these things to his master. Then the master of the house, being angry, said to his servant, ‘Go out quickly into the streets and lanes of the city, and bring in here the poor and the maimed and the lame and the blind.’

Luke 9:59-60 Then He said to another, “Follow Me.” But he said, “Lord, let me first go and bury my father.” Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and preach the kingdom of God.” And another also said, “Lord, I will follow You, but let me first go and bid them farewell who are at my house.” But Jesus said to him, “No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.”